"I'm not gonna be the creepy old man if I can help it."

(10/03)

Chong on "The Simpsons"

"I want you to re-invent the wheel. No. I want you to de-invent the wheel. NO. I want you to re-unvent the wool."

[S22E16 - A Midsummer's Nice Dream, original airdate: 13/03]

11:23 14/3/11

Hah a tall cat. That doesn't compute.

He tall. He frolics like a majestic pony.

Zach Galifinakis' 12th March SNL monologue

"I smoke so much pot sometimes I forget to smoke it."

"I wear a lot of Axe Body Spray. But I live in a black neighborhood where it's called Ask Body Spray. And if you don't get that joke, you're not racist."

Young child looking at his dad's total on the Interac machine for gas and two drinks: "Whoa! .... Ninety-four...ninety-one?!"
Dad: "Yeah, they're tryna... [realizing I can very easily hear but then giving in] .. they're tryna rip me off."
Young child: "That's not a rip-off! (authoritatively) A hundred and fifty dollars would be a rip-off." [Dad, next customer in line and I all laugh] (insistent, with a small smirk realizing he's the centre of attention for three grown-ups) Some people pay that for gas...! (quieter) ...with a big car."

(08/03)

"People say Jesus actually turned water into Welch's Grape Juice ....and that's how Welch's started."

(09/02)

"He had a house but they just kept their horse in it. It was a stable environment."

(09/02)

[on the phone] "Is it Wednesday? ..... Then why did you say it was Hump Day? ...... OH."

(15/02)

"I'd be reluctant if I asked myself to go to dinner with myself."

(15/02)

"On the average, I'm human."

(16/02)

"If you weren't prepared to pay, you shouldn't have eaten from the tree of delicious."

(03/03)

"Did you just say something you didn't mean to say? You know, like fornication??"
"You mean Freudian Slip??"

"Are you ever gonna take the recycling out?"
"Tomorrow, possibly. Possum and tomorrowbly. Tomorrowbly tawesome."

(05/03/11)

"Walked through a cemetery today. Best name of ever? Ouisbert Earlington Sears"

(01/03)