Things that happen when I call my boss to ask a serious question.

"And if you have access to a lathe, you could make a cross-shaped manger."

From a show within a show.

I believe it was on "The Simpsons" (1989-present) they had a sort of "Sesame Street" parody.  And at its conclusion they gave the following credit:

"[showing this symbol: ü] This episode is brought to you by the symbol umlaut [then showing this: e] and the number e. Not the letter, but the number e, whose exponential function is the derivative of itself."

Colbert, responding to a clip of Biden crediting "Will and Grace" (1998-2006) with educating the American public on gay issues:

"These shows can change our minds.  Until I saw the show Frasier I refused to accept the existence of Seattle."

(08/05)

A pre-show headline:

The New York Yankees have their own cologne.  It's made from the most expensive components of all competing colognes.

(30/04)

Colbert, making a point about how news sources can't agree:

"If Fox News says water is a liquid, The New York Times says hydrogen is a gas and oxygen is openly gay."

[29]/04

To his guest, James Cameron:

"Have you thought about a sequel where Rose fights the ocean for [Jack's] body?"

(12/04)

Why I Like "Jeeves and Wooster" (1990-3)

(or probably, why I like P.G. Wodehouse)

Jeeves, the impeccably proper valet, to his master lying in bed with a pillow smushed onto his head: "Good morning, Mr Wooster."

Wooster, unhappily moving the pillow, impatient and squinting at Jeeves: "What?  What's the time?"

 Jeeves: "Ten past nine, sir."

Wooster, unamused and sarcastic: "Ten past nine?!  Is the building on fire?"

Jeeves (straight): "Not that I've been informed, sir; no. Mr. Finknottle is here to see you, sir."

Wooster, explaining with sharpness and no patience: "Jeeves -- I'm not awake.  I've not had my tea and yet you--you bring me Fink nottles.  Is this a time for Fink- or any other kind of nottle?"

(S1.E6 "Hunger Strike")

Colbertisms I've had for 66 and 85 days.

(After the Superbowl) "Congratulations, Giants and Patriots!  Way to stick it to those dwarves and traitors."

(27/01)

"I don't like Seattle, mostly because it stole New York's idea of having a Starbucks everywhere."

"You know what they say when you fall in love with a building.... If you liked it then you shoulda put a wing on it."

(15/02)

I don't even remember the context of this one.

"You're gonna make this a wonderful thing--like the royal wedding... with Lady Pretty-Lady and Prince What's-His-Teeth."

(S.1 E.16 "Up All Night")

The Colbster

"Now, I haven't seen [The Artist].  I don't watch any movies that don't have '2' or 'Furious' in the title."

(27/02)

"Yes.  500-Hour Energy.  I drank one of these in 2005 and just recently resumed blinking."

(28/02)

From a show I can't watch.

"It's the new fragrance I designed.  It's called 'Desire' but with a Z instead of the second E."  [Shows label which reads 'DESIRZ'.]

"What's it supposed to smell like?"

"All my favorite things!  The Knicks, a mop from a strip club, a carefree hobo, a crate with a new giraffe in it and broccoli!"

(S.6 E.16 "Nothing Left to Lose" 30 Rock)

From "The Office" (2005-present), a wonderful short-term character played by Catherine Tate:

"'Take their job but don't take their balls.'  Margaret Thatcher said that.  Probably.  Don't know.  Don't read.  Didn't see the movie."

--Nellie Bertram
(S8.E.21 "Angry Andy")

It's almost like Colbmutiny.

Jon Stewart's imitative rhetoric of a man who claims to eat a lot: "I throw down like a horse with a tapeworm."

18/04/12

"Compared to beards, FIRE is new."

10/04

First of what I hope are many Jon Stewart quotes.

"That is the mistake I've made in my acting career: I've had my films released."

26/01