"What would be your best Secret Santa gift, if you could have anything?"

"[For] fifteen dollars? .... A dollar-a-minute hug."

Watching Kevin McAllister pour kerosene into a toilet bowl: "See? THIS is why we shouldn't have been allowed to watch this as kids, not because he disrespects his parents for five minutes at the beginning of the movie. He's a ten-year-old who sets adults on fire."

15/12

"If I learned Swedish it would open a whole world of puns to me."

12/12

"The only other good advice my dad gave me was, 'don't take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time'."

12/11

"Did you meet the new girl?"

"Briefly."

"Is she dumb?"

"I don't know; I only shook her hand."

"Yeah, but was it a dumb handshake?"

[22]/11

"'What did you do today?'

"'I played the tuba and got some roses. It was a hell of a day.'"

24/11

"No, I'm not gropping [grocery shopping]. [My dog]'s not home so my house burned down."

On being told his hiphop group is considered underground:

"I don't know what 'underground' means... Like what- we don't rhyme above sealevel?"

11/10/11 (TCR)

"The bird poop worked."
-- A customer after finding he'd won $10 on the scratch ticket he bought because he figured a bird pooping through his sunroof yesterday should be lucky.

"Hate mushrooms.. They make me sick. They're like slugs in diguise ...They're trying to take over the world."

Overheard in Public

(A little miffed after friends mobbed him over a new haircut, dead serious): "I showed up here a month ago in clean underwear and no one noticed."

"Did you want to sleep more? 'Cause...you just used a duck as a pillow."

(with complete sincerity) "You missed out: For three days I had a bar stool here. It was wonderful."

On helmet hair.

"Whereas if I were to [wear a bike helmet] I would look like a chimp. (brighter) A champ! (cosnidering more carefully) Or a chump. [beat] Chimp, champ chump. (recognizing a pattern) Chomp!! (philosophically) Why isn't there a 'chemp'?"

(07/05)

Not much to say about this except that these things were yelled out during a game of Guesstures (a glorified Charades):

"Food closet!"
(this came after "fridge", "cupboard", "pantry", "freezer", etc.)

"Timble tack!"
(they meant some kinda cross between thumb tack and thimble, I think)


(18/04)

18:06 05/05/11

Out-of-the-blue text:
"Lololololo. 'More baked than a Tandoori chicken.'"

[I realize it's a quote from last night's Colbert Report about people smoking the weed growing outside the building where Bin Laden was found so that if a local said, "I just saw Bin Laden!" his friend would say, "Dude, you're just being paranoid."]

"Hah. THAT'S what you're laughing at?? Is that the bit about the weed growing outside the compound?"

"Yeah"
"Hahaha"

[At this point I realize I've heard just about every weed joke there is so I didn't retain most of what Colby said during that bit. And he said so many funnier things!]

(Reasoning the difference in senses of humor) "I think you might be a stoner at heart."

"I'd say I'm a stoner at lung."

"I have a life. Now I'm on a camel."

(25/03)

Studying the guitarist's music, shocked, "You have a Bsus! No one told me that!!"

Overhearer having no idea what Bsus means, nonchalantly: "Hey... not everyone can say they have a Bsus first thing in the morning..."

(16/03)

"I'm not gonna be the creepy old man if I can help it."

(10/03)

Chong on "The Simpsons"

"I want you to re-invent the wheel. No. I want you to de-invent the wheel. NO. I want you to re-unvent the wool."

[S22E16 - A Midsummer's Nice Dream, original airdate: 13/03]

11:23 14/3/11

Hah a tall cat. That doesn't compute.

He tall. He frolics like a majestic pony.

Zach Galifinakis' 12th March SNL monologue

"I smoke so much pot sometimes I forget to smoke it."

"I wear a lot of Axe Body Spray. But I live in a black neighborhood where it's called Ask Body Spray. And if you don't get that joke, you're not racist."

Young child looking at his dad's total on the Interac machine for gas and two drinks: "Whoa! .... Ninety-four...ninety-one?!"
Dad: "Yeah, they're tryna... [realizing I can very easily hear but then giving in] .. they're tryna rip me off."
Young child: "That's not a rip-off! (authoritatively) A hundred and fifty dollars would be a rip-off." [Dad, next customer in line and I all laugh] (insistent, with a small smirk realizing he's the centre of attention for three grown-ups) Some people pay that for gas...! (quieter) ...with a big car."

(08/03)

"People say Jesus actually turned water into Welch's Grape Juice ....and that's how Welch's started."

(09/02)

"He had a house but they just kept their horse in it. It was a stable environment."

(09/02)

[on the phone] "Is it Wednesday? ..... Then why did you say it was Hump Day? ...... OH."

(15/02)

"I'd be reluctant if I asked myself to go to dinner with myself."

(15/02)

"On the average, I'm human."

(16/02)

"If you weren't prepared to pay, you shouldn't have eaten from the tree of delicious."

(03/03)

"Did you just say something you didn't mean to say? You know, like fornication??"
"You mean Freudian Slip??"

"Are you ever gonna take the recycling out?"
"Tomorrow, possibly. Possum and tomorrowbly. Tomorrowbly tawesome."

(05/03/11)

"Walked through a cemetery today. Best name of ever? Ouisbert Earlington Sears"

(01/03)

"Also, thank you for reminding me that I need to have a copy of Jabberwocky printed and ready to go if for no other reason than to confuse kids."

"Thunder snow. That's when snow has a three-way with thunder and lightning. Just like a regular three-way: it feels unnatural and makes the dog hide."

(27/01/11)

My grandfather, about my grandmother: "I wouldn't trade her in for a blind dog."

"Red Brick -what?"
"Did you just say, 'Bread Brick'? ... It's called a loaf."

(04/02/11)

"I've been told on multiple occasions that, in general, men are not complicated compared to women."
"DNA is not complicated compare to women."

(05/02/11)

"Are you distraught?"
"No, I'm delivery."

(07/02/11)

"Oh, Febreeze. What problems can't you solve?"

"How was your day? Good? Bad? Ugly? Cowboy movie?"

(07/02/11)